Deep in the heart of Texas

941009_10200821764727295_329813465_n

Today I took daughter to the doctor.

It is 3:30pm and I am hanging the 5th grade graduation show in the gym.

 

I text daughter: Meet me here by 4.

Daughter texts: On way.

I hang a few more pieces.

 

Daughter texts: Here.

 

I yell to Gym Teacher, “Hey! Daughter is at the door. Can you let her in?’

 

Technology Teacher yells to Gym Teacher, “Careful. Daughter is a WOMAN now.”

 

And they yuck it up. Because they are men and daughter used to go to my school as an elementary student. And she is definitely NOT an elementary student anymore.

 

Daughter walks in wearing her camouflage tank top and her short shorts. I can tell they are trying not to look too hard at her.

 

“Ok, let’s go.” I say. And I hop down from the chair.

We go.

Down Carroll Street and to the R train.

“The doctor moved.” I say. “But we still have to get off at Court Street.”

 

I say this and I realize in 10 days I will not be taking the R train to Court Street. I realize the R train has really been a big part of my life. I like that R train. Even if we affectionately call it the “rarely” since one can wait a looooong time for it to come.

 

Relatively of course.

In NY time.

 

When we get on the train we find two seats together. Daughter is telling me about ways she wants to decorate her new room. And how she needs a laptop.

 

This is actually true. She does all her work on this dinky little mini PC thing. I don’t know how she does it really.

 

We get to Court Street and get on SCARY ELEVATOR up to the street. Scary Elevator is scary because it is deep in the tunnel belly and sometimes you are the only one on it. Sometimes I have avoided taking the train at night from this station just because of SCARY ELEVATOR.

 

When we get to the street we walk towards what we think is the general direction of the new doctor office. Soon we are confused.

 

“I do not understand why this address has PLAZA in it.” I say. “There is no PLAZA. This is Brooklyn.”

 

I see DORRMAN in a building nearby. “Let’s ask him.” I say.

 

Doorman listens to me complain about the PLAZA business. Then he tells me where to walk.

 

“This way.” I say to daughter.

 

It is always kind of exciting taking the son or the daughter to the doctor. I don’t know why.

 

“Woo!” I say to daughter.

“Uh, ok.” she says back.

 

The new doctor’s office is a giant building with lots of security. The office is on the 17th floor. We go up and as soon as we get out of the elevator RECEPTIONIST greets us. “Welcome to Pediatrics!” she chirps.

 

“Whoa.” I turn to daughter. “This office is not like the old office.”

 

The OLD office was more of the kind of place where you expect to walk up to the window and be ignored for a while and just hope the person behind the glass is not too cranky when they finally turn to help you.

 

This is a wholly different smiles-and-chirps kind of experience.

 

Receptionist gives us forms. We fill them out. She directs us to the long hallway. At the end of the long hallway is a gigantical waiting room containing big screens filled with animal pictures.

 

I feel like I should take a number.

 

“We could be here a long time.” I say to daughter.

“Ugh.” she says.

 

We sit. We listen to a set of new parents argue about who got the baby sick. I am thinking of telling them a thing or two about parenting and sick babies and likelihoods, but I do not.

 

I decide they will learn it for themselves. Like we all do.

 

Soon we are called in. I cannot believe it!

 

In we go with the nurse. Weight, height, blood pressure. The doctor comes in. “I have camp forms. And school forms.” I say.

 

She nods.

It is the time of year for this.

 

We go through all the usual questions. I get THE TALK about vaccines. I nod politely. The forms get filled out and we are off. Just like that!

 

Double woo!

 

“Let’s eat!” daughter says.

I think about this. More time with daughter.

 

“Ok.” I say.

 

“I want to go to the diner.” daughter says.

“Should we call son?” I ask.

“Son is not going to come all the way out here.” she says.

“It’s only two neighborhoods over.” I say.

“Still.” she says.

 

Ok, we skip son.

 

It is raining and we have bought an umbrella at the Rite Aid. I tell her, “Son is not to take this umbrella. Never ever ever never. I don’t care how hard it is raining.”

 

She nods.

 

She nods because son loses every single umbrella I ever buy. I bet he has lost 20 umbrellas at least.

 

We get to the restaurant and are shocked to find 50 people with matching neon yellow t-shirts have taken over the place. A least half of these people are cute high school boys.

 

Daughter is in heaven.

 

“Mom.” I don’t think you know what this is like for me.” she says.

 

I nod.

 

I say, “I could introduce you.”

 

Daughter says, “Uh. Introductions happen when one person knows the other TWO people, mom.”

 

“Well, I can just go up and say: Hi. I am daughter’s mom. We live in Brooklyn. Would you like a tour of the neighborhood with daughter tomorrow?”

 

HAHAHA! I crack myself up!

I can tell daughter does not think this is a good idea.

 

“Nevermind.” I say.

 

We order. We eat. We sneak peeks at the boy table. We find out they are a Baptist Choir from Texas.

 

“Geez.” daughter says. “Are all guys from Texas this cute?”

 

“I don’t know. But I bet they are all celibate.” I say.

 

HAHAHAHA!

 

Daughter is not laughing.

 

“I am going to the bathroom.” she says.

 

I worry a little about her in the camouflage tank top and short shorts, but ok, whatevs. She goes. She returns. I eyeball the boys to make sure they are not sizing up my daughter.

 

“Are you ready?” I ask.

“Yeah.” she says.

 

“Maybe we will take a cab!” I say.

 

We love cabs in the rain!

 

But when we get out of the diner there are no cabs. We walk towards the R train. I turn around to check one more time to see if there just might be a cab and just then a cab pulls up to drop someone off.

 

I cannot believe our luck!

 

“Let’s get it!” I say.

We run over to the cab, giggling.

 

We get in.

I look over at a slightly soggy daughter.

 

“That was fun.” I say.

“That WAS fun.” she says.

 

Yes, it was.

 

Corollary

IMG-20130509-01095

Today son had a dermatologist appointment.

 

It is Tuesday. Son texts: I have a rash.

Then he texts: I think I need to see the dermatologist.

 

If you have a teenage son, you know how astounding the above correlation is.

  1. I have a rash
  2. I need to see a doctor.

 

Usually the situation is more like this:

A rash.

Then nothing.

More nothing.

Days more nothing.

 

Then, “Hey! What’s that on your arm?!” I ask alarmed.

“Oh. I don’t know.”

“Well, it doesn’t look good.”

“Yeah.”

 

“Ummm. So, are you planning on DOING anything about it?”

Out comes some garbled teenage mishmash.

 

“You really should go see the doctor.” I say.

 

Blank stare.

 

Blank stare means: Mom, will you make the appointment for me?

 

I say, “I am NOT making the appointment for you.”

 

“I don’t have the number.” he says.

 

“I have given you the number like a THOUSAND times son.”

 

I give him the number again.

 

Days pass. I see the arm. The arm look very, very bad.

 

“Did you call the doctor?”

 

Silence.

 

Silence means: No.

 

“You need to call the doctor.” I say.

 

And I walk away.

 

More days pass. And then more days.

 

And guess what?

 

I call the doctor. Yes I do. Even though I do not want to. Because I am the mom. And he is the son with the rancid arm.

 

But this time is different. Son is ON IT.

 

This time son texts: I called the doctor. Dr F is not available until June 5th.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Can you believe it? HE CALLED.

 

I text: Tell them it is an emergency.

 

A few hours later I get a text: Dr. F tomorrow morning at 8:15.

 

Holy crap! I have been double mommed! Not only did he call, but he called BACK AND made an appointment for early in the morning on a day he usually sleeps in.

 

I hold my phone far from my face and bring it in closer for a second look, pull it away, then look again.

 

I am not sure, but I think it is possible, maybe, I just might be dealing with a grown up.

 

Yep.

Teacher Face

tonyboris_luxelight_20121215_38175

Today I feel bad.

It is Thursday and I am overwhelmed. I walk into the classroom and I try to focus on preparing for the day.

Really, I have a headache and I do not feel like teaching anyone anything.

But the third graders will be here soon and I am going to put on my best art teacher face and teach them.

Godammit.

I deliver the lesson. I do not feel good about it. I feel fuzzy and I think my modeling was fuzzy. “G” is in front, in the purple row.  She asks, “Ms. V, are you ok? You look sad.”

“I am ok.” I say. Because one thing you for sure cannot do when you are teaching elementary school children is burden the children with your adult whining.

“G” stands and looks at me for a minute. I can tell she does not believe me.

There is nothing to say so I say nothing. I am tired and my momentum is dragging and I am questioning my decisions and my reasoning. So I smile and walk over to circulate and help students who need help. They are loud and active and engaged. This is good.

“Ms V!” “L” calls, “Is it ok if I make stripes like this?”

We are making our own custom papers with oil pastel designs on them.

“Yes.” I say. “You can make them anyway you want to make them.”

Soon I ring the chime.

When the chime rings you have to be quiet to listen for instruction.

Frequently, this achievement of quiet requires several rings of the chime.

I ring once.

Mostly nothing.

I ring again.

“G” looks around the room. Then back at me. She says, “Hey! Everyone be quiet! Ms V. has a headache!”

Everyone gets quiet.

She is looking right at me.

I know I did not tell her I have a headache.

Later I go over to her.

“Thank you for your help, “G” I say.

She smiles.

“You’re welcome, Ms. V.”

And she walks out.

Just like that.

One more tiny day and one more tiny gift given from the 8-year-olds.

Stopping

tonyboris_luxelight_20130310_40021-2

The other day I tried to run.

 

Again.

 

I have been trying to run for a few weeks now. Somehow I seem to have injured my right hip. Or leg. Or foot. Or maybe all of them. All I know is that when I try to run I can only get a few steps along before I am in shooting pain.

 

The first time this happens I pretty much ignore it and run anyway. I wind up limping.

 

I wait a day.

I try again.

 

Same thing.

 

Still, I am not going to give up. Beside who wants to stop anything anyway?

 

Son says, “Mom. You have to rest it.”

 

I ignore him.

 

I get up the next day to run. I can tell just by the way I am walking I should probably not run. I put on my running gear anyway.

 

Son is up. He sees me in my running gear. Son says, “Mom. You are NOT going running!”

 

“Oh, just a little running.” I say. And I walk out the door.

 

Halfway up the hill to Prospect Park I am thinking: Wow. This is serious. I may have to actually stop running.

 

I stop for a minute and walk.

 

Then I think: Nah. And I keep going.

 

When I get back I decide to let it rest for a few days.

 

I try again.

 

Son sees me. Son says, “MOM! You cannot run yet! A few days rest is not enough. You are really going to hurt yourself!”

 

Somewhere inside me I know he is right. But still, I cannot stop.

 

I go out there anyway.

 

This time I have to stop like 4 times. While in the park I am wondering if I am going to have to walk the whole way back. I decide this would take much too long and I just run through the shooting pain anyway.

 

When I come in limping son is shaking his head in I-told-you-so disgust at me.

 

“I KNOW!” I say. And I walk into my room and shut the door.

 

Really, I don’t know what I am going to do. Oh ok, maybe running is a little bit of an addiction but keeps a girl like me not too tightly wound. Discharged. Generally, less. And without it I am pretty sure I will get all wiggly AND I will go bonkers. And so will the people around me.

 

“Do more yoga.” Friend 1 says.

“Yeah, yeah.” I say. “But yoga is not running. Yoga is yoga.”

 

I circle around my apartment trying to figure out how to force my body to heal. Now.

 

Nothing is coming. I decide to do more yoga. I will do more yoga and I will only run twice a week.

 

I tell son of my plan.

 

Son says, “Mom. You have to not run at all.”

 

I know I should listen to him. He had an actual trainer and was on the Cross Country Team. Plus all that Ultimate Frisbee running around hoopla.

 

“Sorry.” I say. “I cannot stop.”

 

I can tell he is at his son-wits-end.

 

“Anyway, I think I am getting better.” I say.

 

Son raises a son eyebrow.

 

“Ok.” I am lying.” I say. “It still really hurts.”

 

Then I say, “Maybe I will try a week off.”

 

Son looks at me. He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks right into my eyes.

 

“It’s a start mom.” he says, with his old-man-son wisdom.

 

“It’s a start.”

Sit

tonyboris_luxelight_20121215_38175

Tonight I went to a meeting.

 

I had to go because last night I realized I had not had a meeting in a week and when I do not have a meeting in a week I start to forget what my primary purpose is. Then I start thinking I am a civilian and fancy myself doing civilian things, things best left to actual civilians.

 

Yeah.

 

Like last night I find myself thinking things like: I am prescribed one of these but three would really do the trick.

 

Uh, no.

 

Luckily, I have enough sobriety to know my mind is a dangerous neighborhood that I should not go into alone. So I make a call.

 

I get Program Friend 2. PF2 says, “Girl. You got to remember what comes first. You need a meeting.”

 

Sigh. It is too late tonight so I go to sleep.

 

Tomorrow comes and I work all day at the schoolhouse. I deliver 5 lessons to 5 different grades. By the time after school comes I am TOAST.

 

Still, I have to make that meeting. I go home and I have a quick visit with son. “I got to go now. Got to get a meeting.”

 

Son has been around this for a while now. Son does not question. In fact sometimes son says, “Mom. I think you need a meeting.”

 

So I walk down 5 blocks and up 2 avenues to the meeting place. It is a meeting I have gone to for almost 12 years now. I walk in and I see familiar faces and some new faces. The familiar faces know me. I mean KNOW me. In that peeled raw, all-your-stuff-out-on-the-floor-for-all-to-see kind of way that only program people know.

 

Because program is the where people get really, REALLY honest.

 

Program is the place where I have become really known.

 

I sit down. “B” is across from me. I smile a big recovery smile at her.

She smiles back.

 

It is a big book meeting and we are on INTO ACTION. I love this chapter! This is my favorite chapter. We pass the book and as we read I am reminded of all the tools I have been given sitting in this seat to maintain my equanimity and my serenity.

 

I sit in my chair. I think: This is my seat.

 

When we are done reading people share. I share about how traveling back and forth to Philadelphia is making me feel disconnected from my program. How I do not feel I am getting enough meetings. How I am scared of moving and wonder if I will find fellowship in my new city.

 

And mostly, how my primary purpose must remain my sobriety.

 

Afterwards people come up and talk to me. “E” is there. “E” says, “I have missed you! But I am so happy for you.”

 

She gives me a hug.

I know she really means it.

 

I pick up my chair and I put it against the wall with the others as we clean up.

 

I walk out into the crispy winter night and I think: I feel very grateful for that chair.

 

Yes I do.

Seconds

tonyboris121226-677

Yesterday I did yoga with daughter.

Again, for the second time!

 

It is Monday and she texts me: Mom. Can we do the yoga DVD?

I text back: No honey. I have an after work meeting. And then a 7 pm meeting.

 

Tuesday she texts me: Mom. Can we do the yoga DVD today?

I text: No honey. I have a doctor’s appointment after work. Sorry.

 

Wednesday she texts me: Mom. Can we do the yoga DVD today?

I text: No honey. I am working after school until 5:30 and then I have an open house from 6-8.

 

I think: I know I am doing way, way too much. But really, what choice do I have?

 

After school comes and I am WHIPPED. I text daughter: I think I am skipping the open house. Want to do the yoga DVD?

 

She texts: YAY! Smiley face.

 

I text: Hard or easy?

Because we have two now.

 

She texts: Easy.

 

I text: And I want pizza. We should order. But we have to do the DVD right away. If we eat first we are sunk.

 

She texts: Right. Be home soon.

 

I get home and start setting up the little TV dinner table with the laptop on it. I dig out the Seane Corn DVD and pop it in.

 

I get out the mat just as daughter walks in. “I am ready.” I say.

“I just have to change quick.” she says and trots off to her part of the cave.

 

When she comes out I ask her, “Do you want to skip the beginning part?”

The beginning part is when you get a little spiritual direction. I never know really if people want to skip this and get right to the asanas.

 

“No.” she says.

I smile.

 

We start from the beginning.

 

We are breathing. We are offering. We are aligning and opposing and extending.

Seane asks us to bring our right foot between our hands. Daughter says, ‘Oh! I got it this time!”

 

I am honored really to witness this daughter yoga moment.

 

We get to the twist part of the DVD and daughter is rocking it. I don’t know if it is her long body or what, but that daughter can twist. While we are twisting son comes in.

 

“Hello ladies!” he says.

“Hi.” we say.

“I see you are doing yoga.” he says.

“Yep.” we say.

 

After awhile I ask, “Want to join?”

 

Son actually considers this. But then decides, “Nah.”

I think: With a little pressure I could get him, I can tell.

 

Soon the pizza comes. And wings for son. He puts them down on the table but after about 15 minutes he cannot take it anymore and he goes to pick up his box of wings and eat.

 

Daughter IMMEDIATELY stops him from this obvious transgression, “Oh. Are you just going to eat without us?”

Son is properly shamed. He puts the box down.

 

“Well, when are you going to be done?” he asks.

I check the counter on the screen. “30 minutes.” I say.

 

“Ugh.” he says. And he sits back down.

He will wait. He is son.

 

Now we are back to more twists.

Really, I am off my mat and watching daughter.

 

Un-Yogic.

 

I try not to stare at her.

This non-looking is its own practice.

 

At the end we sit for a meditation. Seane says. “Take a moment for gratitude, for all those who have come into your life, brought you to your knees, kissed you on the mouth…they are your teachers.”

 

I think of all the times I have been brought to my knees by this daughter. How she needs and wants and how she gives and loves.

 

“Namaste.” Seane says. Daughter looks at me. “Are you crying again?”

 

I don’t say anything.

I just let out a little snurfle.

 

“I always cry at the end of yoga.” I say.

“Yeah.” she says. With a little teenage eyeball roll.

Because she is, after all, a teenager.

My teenager.

Yeah.

Teenage Morning

tonyboris_luxelight_20121122_37625

Yesterday daughter bought a scale.

 

I have not really needed or wanted a scale in this house but daughter being a 14-year-old daughter enjoys examining herself almost every single day.

 

Daughter say, Mom, don’t forget to give me money for the scale.”

“Ok.” I say.

 

Really I don’t know where we are going to fit this scale in our tiny little bathroom and also anyway, who needs s scale? Either my clothes fit or they don’t. And if they don’t I have to exercise more.

 

Whatevs. She gets the scale, anyway.

 

Really, I don’t think if the scale will solve our teenage daughter body image issues. If you have a teenage daughter you might be familiar with some of these statements, which tend to occur daily, but most especially in the morning:

 

“I feel fat.”

“Look, my stomach is sticking out.”

“My thighs are touching. Why don’t I have a thigh gap?”

“I hate my hair, nose, chin, eyes, ears, etc.”

“Does this look ok?”

“I don’t like the way this looks.”

“See how my hips stick out? I want them to be straight.”

 

Some mornings a mother can just listen. Sometimes a mother can nod and reassure. And affirm the daughter. And some mornings a mom is overwhelmed and cannot listen to the self-loathing that seems to come with teenage girlhood, which by the way the mother remembers quite well.

 

I try to say more but all I can eek out is, “You look beautiful. Look at your curvy hips. And your little waist. And your thick shiny hair. I wish you could see the you that I see.”

 

Daughter smiles a little.

 

And says, “I hate my clothes.”

 

Inside my heart sinks a little. It sinks a little because I want so much to give her everything she wants and I cannot. No, I cannot.

 

It is hard to take this kind of commentary in the morning. But I am the mom and she is the daughter and so I say, ‘I know honey. Soon we will go shopping.”

 

She walks away and finishes her morning routine.

 

Both of us have no more time to indulge in our wants and wishes.

 

“Bus is three stops away. Got to go mama.” she says.

 

“Ok.” I say. “Me too. Off to teach the kiddies.”

 

“Love you.” she says.

 

“Love you too.” I say.

 

For today, this is enough.

 

Yes, it is.

Two for Tuesday

This week daughter had math homework.

Monday comes and daughter says, “I need son’s help with my math homework.”

But son is out. And then son is busy. And then it is time for bed.

Next day comes and daughter gets home from school.

I am already home since I now work closest to home. She plops down on the bed beside me.

“Where’s son?” she asks.

“Why?” I ask.

“I need help with my math homework.”

For a teeny tiny second I feel sad she is not asking for my help with her math homework. And then I realize how ridiculous that prospect is and the feeling passes.

“He will be home soon.” I say.

“Ok .” she says.

While we are waiting we lie on the bed in the afternoon sun and talk about what we should be doing.

“We could do the yoga DVD.” I say.

“Ok.” she says.

But neither one of us moves.

Really, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lie here next to daughter, and sniff her teenager smell.

I get closer.

“Mom.” she says. “Are you sniffing me again?”

Dammit. I back off.

“No.” I say. “I just wanted to be close to you.”

She gives me suspicious teenager eyeball.

The Blackberry rings. It’s my therapist. As I let it go to voicemail I think: Hmmm. Did I have therapy today?

After lying there for a few more minutes I check the message. Therapist says, “I am just wondering if you are on your way because last time we spoke you said you would be in at 5:15.”

Dammit again.

“Oh crap! I totally forgot I have therapy!” I say and I look at daughter. “You have to leave now. I have to call Therapist.”

“Ok.” she says.

While I am talking to Therapist son comes home. I can hear the rustling of all his college paraphernalia out there. As soon as I am off the phone with Therapist I walk out. Son is helping daughter with her math. Son has one ear peeking out of headphone head attached to the computer.

I listen.

“But what is an integer?” daughter asks son.

“All it means is whole numbers, negative or positive. No fractions.”

“Well then why did they word the question  “How do you divide integers? Why didn’t they just say: How do you do division?”

I think: That’s what I am thinking.

I say, “That’s what I am thinking!”

Daughter gives me the “I know, right?” face.

Son just shakes his head at us and goes back to headphone head.

I look at daughter.

I look at son.

And I think: It’s a good thing I have both of them.

A very good thing.